If you’ve been following this 3 part series, we have been taking this journey one step at a time. In Part 1 of this series, published August 3, 2026, explored radical acceptance and what can happen when we stop fighting against a reality we cannot control. Acceptance does not mean approval, giving up, or losing hope. It means seeing what is happening clearly enough to decide how we want to respond.
That often leads families to another important question: “If I stop trying to control everything, what am I supposed to do instead?”
Stepping Into the SMART Framework
In my independent practice as a Family Support Coach, my approach is deeply rooted in the steps and tools of SMART Recovery (Self-Management and Recovery Training), an organization I am proud to volunteer for. The SMART 4-Point Program is a powerful framework that outlines exactly how meaningful change works:
- Point 1: Building and Maintaining Motivation
- Point 2: Coping with Urges and Cravings
- Point 3: Managing Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors
- Point 4: Living a Balanced Life
These identical four points guide both our loved ones and ourselves, as family and friends on our own healing paths. Rather than pouring all of our energy into trying to change another person’s choices, Part 2 is about shifting our focus toward Point 3 – bringing that energy back into our own “hula hoop” to focus on our own responses, well-being, and communication.
If you haven’t read Part 1 yet, you can find the August 3, 2026 article here: Embracing Radical Acceptance: A Path to Healing for Families.
The Hula Hoop and SMART Recovery Point 3
The hula hoop is a visual reminder of what is within our control and what is not. Inside our hula hoop are our own thoughts, feelings, words, choices, and responses, the exact core elements of Point 3: Managing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Outside of our Hula Hoop are another person’s choices, behaviors, emotions, and life paths.
Staying within our own hula hoop can be incredibly difficult when someone we love is struggling. It does not mean we stop caring, supporting, or hoping. It means learning to manage our own thoughts and behaviors, focusing our energy on the places where we have choice and influence, while recognizing what ultimately belongs to someone else.
Redirect Your Energy
When someone you love is struggling with addiction, mental health challenges, or other life difficulties, it is natural to worry. You may find yourself watching closely, anticipating problems, trying to fix things, or searching for the one thing you can say or do that will finally make everything better.
These responses often come from a place of deep love. Your love matters. Your relationship matters. And you may have more influence than you realize.
Influence is different from control.
We cannot make another person choose change. What we can do is become more intentional about how we communicate, how we respond, what we reinforce, and how we care for ourselves along the way.
Instead of asking: “How can I make them change?” Try asking yourself:
- How do I want to respond today?
- What is within my control right now?
- What do I need to stay emotionally healthy?
- What choices align with my values?
- Is what I am about to do likely to strengthen connection or create more conflict?
These are places where our energy can create meaningful change.
Healthy Boundaries Are an Act of Love
The word “boundary” can sometimes sound harsh, confusing and uncomfortable. It can feel like a wall, an ultimatum, or something we put in place to make another person behave differently. When boundaries come up for me, which I struggle with in life in general, I think how can I love you and me at the same time. Healthy boundaries are not about controlling another person’s behavior. They are about deciding how you will respond in ways that care for yourself and strengthen your relationships.
A boundary focuses on your own actions. For example:
- “I care about you, and I’m not comfortable giving you money right now. I would be happy to help with groceries. I can meet you at the store and purchase them with you, or I can order groceries and have them delivered to your home.”
- “I want to hear what you have to say. I’m going to take a break from this conversation while we’re both upset, and we can try again later.”
- “I love you. I’m going to take a little time tonight to recharge, and we can reconnect tomorrow.”
A healthy boundary does not have to be angry or punishing. Boundaries can be communicated with warmth and compassion. And when a situation feels unsafe or potentially explosive, your safety comes first. You do not need to have a difficult conversation in that moment.
Supporting Without Taking Over
When someone we love is hurting, wanting to help can feel almost automatic. Of course we want to make things better. I invite you while thinking whether it’s time to jump in and help or not.
Another helpful question may be: “What kind of help is most helpful right now?” ( I know hard! )
Sometimes support means listening without immediately offering a solution. Sometimes it means helping someone access treatment or another resource when they are open to it. Sometimes it means recognizing that a responsibility belongs to the other person and allowing them the opportunity to handle it themselves.
And sometimes it means saying: “I’m here. I love you. How can I support you right now?”
There is no perfect response for every situation. What matters more then perfection is progress, becoming more thoughtful about how we help rather than automatically reacting from fear, urgency, or exhaustion. That pause can make a meaningful difference for ourselves and our loved ones. This is working on point 3 & 4 of SMART’s 4-Point Program.
Notice What Is Going Right
When a family has been living with stress for a long time, it is easy for problems to become the loudest thing in the room. Our attention naturally goes toward what is wrong, what might happen next, or what needs to be fixed.
I invite you to begin noticing something else, too. What is going right? This falls into all of the 4 points especially Point 4, Living a Balanced Life.
- Did you take care of yourself today?
- Did your loved one make one healthier choice?
- Did you respond differently during a difficult moment?
- Did you pause before reacting?
- Did your loved one have an honest conversation with you?
Noticing these moments matters a great deal. Change is often built through small steps, and noticing those steps can help create an environment where positive change has room to grow.
Care for Yourself, Too
Sometimes families can become so focused on the person who is struggling that their own lives slowly become smaller. I invite you to ask yourself:
- When was the last time I laughed?
- When did I last do something because I enjoyed it?
- Who supports me?
- What helps me feel grounded?
- What is one thing I could do for myself today?
- When was the last time I watched a funny movie?
Caring for yourself does not mean you care less about your loved one. Your well-being matters, too. Rest, friendships, hobbies, movement, counseling, support groups, quiet time, or drinking a cup of tea without trying to solve a problem can all be ways of reconnecting with yourself. You are still allowed to have a life while loving someone who is struggling.
One Small Step Is Enough
You do not have to change everything today. Trying to change everything at once can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Choose one small step that feels possible for you today.
- Maybe you pause before responding to a difficult text.
- Maybe you take a walk.
- Maybe you call someone you trust.
- Maybe you practice one new boundary.
- Maybe you notice one positive thing your loved one did and acknowledge it.
- Maybe you ask yourself: “Is this inside my hula hoop?”
Some of these choices may seem small, and that does not mean they are easy. Changing how we respond when someone we love is struggling can be incredibly difficult. Small, intentional choices practiced over time can create meaningful change.
Coming Next: Part 3 – Finding Hope in the Journey
In Part 1, we explored accepting the reality in front of us. In Part 2, we shifted our attention toward the choices, responses, and actions that live inside our own hula hoop.
In Part 3, Finding Hope in the Journey, we’ll explore what hope looks like when the path isn’t easy or predictable, how it anchors us through waves of emotion, and how we can continue to make room for healing one small step at a time.
Working With Me
A Family Support Coach can be a guiding light, much like the light from a lighthouse, offering encouragement, practical tools, and compassionate support as families navigate the challenges of supporting a loved one with addiction. My goal is to help individuals and families discover new ways of responding, strengthen their relationships, care for their own well-being, and create space for positive change.
Finding peace during challenging times is possible with steady support, practical everyday tools, and a commitment to caring for yourself.
Have you ever thought about working with a Family Support Coach? If you feel like you could use additional guidance and support, I would be honored to walk alongside you. Let’s have a conversation and see if working together feels like the right fit for you. Click the Orange CONTACT ME button below.
Wishing you well, always.
With compassion,
Cassandra Toppi
Family Support Coach
Helping Families Thrive with Compassion and Understanding
