I wanted to share my thoughts on a recent question I was asked in a online SMART Family & Friends meetings that I facilitate. We sometimes address one of life’s most challenging dilemmas: deciding whether to continue or end a relationship with a family member grappling with an addiction. Participants often arrive feeling emotionally drained and overwhelmed, having reached a point of hopelessness and frustration.
SMART Recovery Family & Friends approach offers a refreshing perspective, rooted in evidence-based methods. Unlike the prevalent advice of “let them hit rock bottom” or “just detach” instead we provide a compassionate and constructive path forward. New participants often find solace in hearing the stories of others who have successfully used SMART tools, discovering they can take meaningful steps to help themselves and potentially mend relationships if they so choose to with no pressure from the fellow participants in the meeting.
I remind participants that the “When to Quit” worksheet and Chapter is intentionally placed near the very end of the SMART Family and Friends handbook for a reason. This serves as a gentle nudge to delay any drastic decisions and explore the SMART approach first, giving themselves and their loved ones the opportunity for positive change.
So, what do participants gain from the SMART meetings and handbook? They learn to step away from the role of fixer at their own pace. No forceful pushing. No being told you have to. No have to do something in this exact way. Because there is not a one size fit all way of doing things. Families start to see and start understanding that they cannot force their loved one to choose recovery. A powerful quote from the Beyond Addiction Book, How Science and Kindness Help People Change encapsulates this journey with this statement:
“Everything we know about motivation and change suggests that power and powerlessness come with the territory of caring about someone with a substance problem. You have the power to help someone change, and the power to make changes yourself that will improve your situation, yet you are powerless to make another person change or do the changing for them.” Here is a blog post I wrote about the Beyond Addiction book here where this quote is from, https://cassandratoppi.com/2023/12/11/thinking-about-buying-a-gift-for-yourself/
Participants also develop a deeper understanding of boundaries and the importance of maintaining them. They enhance their communication skills using the P-I-V-A and P-I-U-S communication approach, which helps in articulating feelings and needs effectively with less confrontation. They learn to manage their emotions through cognitive tools like the ABC model, Anti-Awfulizing, and the FEAR Exercise, alongside gaining insights into the stages of change and the facts about addiction. They start to practice self-care, recognizing the importance of prioritizing their own well-being to effectively support their loved ones. I often use the analogy of the airplane, oxygen mask: put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others, highlighting the necessity of self-care in caregiving roles and as a Helper.
Despite their best efforts, there may come a time when family or friends question whether they can continue the relationship, especially if their loved one shows no motivation to change. This situation is particularly challenging when serious consequences affect themselves and other family members, such as children in the home. Balancing self-protection needs with the desire to maintain a supportive relationship can be a delicate and difficult task.
This is where the “When to Quit” exercise becomes invaluable. If, after applying the newly acquired skills, and there is no progress towards less fighting, better communication, harm reduction, recovery or some sort of changes, they may decide to end the relationship. This decision is never easy and can evoke feelings of guilt, but SMART tools can assist in navigating this process. With a better understanding of addiction and greater empathy, participants can face the ending of a relationship with compassion rather than anger. Which will help all involved.
Although they may not see a future in the current relationship, they can part ways without blame, acknowledging their efforts and the worth of their loved one and the relationship they shared. They demonstrate resilience by not letting what they cannot do prevent them from doing what they can. More so instead, they carry forward the tools they’ve learned to foster an emotionally healthy life as they embark on their future journey. This newfound knowledge and strength empower them to build healthier relationships and live more fulfilling lives, underscoring the profound impact of the SMART approach in transforming personal and family dynamics.
A coach can be an invaluable asset in this journey, especially in the context of the SMART Recovery Family & Friends approach. Here’s how I can help:
1. Personalized Guidance: A coach like me can provide personalized support tailored to each person’s unique situation. I can help individuals navigate the complexities of their relationships with family members struggling with addiction, offering strategies that align with their values and goals.
2. Skill Development: I can work with participants to enhance their communication skills, particularly using the P-I-V-A and P-I-U-S approaches. I can offer practical exercises and feedback to help individuals articulate their feelings and needs more effectively.
3. Emotional Support: I offer a safe space for everyone who works with me to express their emotions and work through feelings of hopelessness and frustration. I can help individuals process these emotions and develop strategies to manage them, using cognitive tools like the ABC model, Anti-Awfulizing and other Cassandra ideas.
4. Boundary Setting: I can assist families in understanding and setting healthy boundaries. I can provide guidance on maintaining these boundaries, ensuring that individuals prioritize their well-being while supporting their loved ones.
5. Facilitating Self-Care: I can emphasize the importance of self-care, reinforcing the analogy of the airplane oxygen mask. I can help families develop and implement self-care routines that make sense to them and support their mental and emotional health.
6. Decision-Making Support: When families face the difficult decision of whether to continue or end a relationship, I can provide support and clarity. I can help guide individuals through the “When to Quit” exercise, helping them evaluate their own situation and make informed decisions with compassion and empathy.
7. Empowerment and Resilience Building: I help empower families to recognize their strengths and resilience. I encourage individuals to focus on what they can control and to carry forward the tools they’ve learned with me to build healthier relationships and know that it is okay to feel happy and lead a fulfilling life.
Overall, a coach like me can be a guiding light, like a light in a Lighthouse offering encouragement and expertise as families navigate the challenges of supporting a loved one with addiction. I help individuals transform their personal and family dynamics, fostering growth and positive change.
Finding peace amidst challenging times is possible with the right strategies, support, and a commitment to self-care. Ever think about working with a Coach to help with this process? Need additional guidance?
I could be that Coach, here to support you every step of the way. Let’s have a conversation and see how having a Coach like me can help you!
Text me at 516-984-3756 or click the button below.
Wishing you well always..
Cassandra Toppi
